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This time I started smoking meth

So I have been reading the stories on this site for about a year now. So many times I have thought about telling my story. But I wonder if I can remember enough. All I know is when I write it down I want to give creedance to how it really was back then. I want for someone to read my story and really get it and feel it because being on meth is no joke and most people who start don't quit. Because once you start meth will take your soul.

They say that marijuana is a gateway drug and I remember I used to laugh when I heard that. Now I believe it's true. My mom had me when she was 15 years old and she did the best she could. But she had several bad marriages that were filled with physical abuse, drugs and alcohol. I was the oldest child and I guess I felt responsible for my mom. It caused me to feel like I had no control in my life. I met my very first best friend in 5th grade our parents used drugs together and we were inseperable. It was that year that we started drinking, smoking weed and taking Codiene if her step dad would give it to us.

Around the time that I went to high school my mom and step dad got off drugs and changed their lives. By then I think it was probably too late for me. Little did I know at that time that I was the perfect canidate to be an addict. I had alot of pain and pent up anger that I wanted to medicate. During high school I continued to smoke weed and even did Acid a few times. But didn't like the feeling of not being in control. I met a guy that was here from Texas going to motorcycle repair school. He was so cute and we hit it off right away. We did well for quite a while and he got along with all my friends. Then one night out of the blue I find out that he is dealing meth and that my best friend knew it and had been doing it for quite a while. 

I guess I felt a little naive at that point. I didn't end up doing it that night but it didn't matter cuz soon after I did start using. I can still remember who I was with, what I was wearing and every detail of that first night I ever snorted a line. After I did I felt like the best energy or so I thought. I wasn't shy anymore I loved going out and meeting people. I never ate or drank anything. And for a girl as skinny as I was to begin with that was just bad. My family quickly figured out what I was doing and wouldn't allow it. They kicked me out and I moved in with my best friend and her heroin addicted mother. By this time I was fully addicted to meth. I ended up getting pregnant by a guy that I would never have given the time of day if it had not been for the drugs. He was strung out too and couldn't even make it to my first doctor's appointment. I stopped using and did well for most of my pregnancy until the end. I snorted a line on 2 different occassions. After a night of being up all night I went into labor the next morning. I had my daughter in less than 2 hours. I am so lucky that she did not come up with meth in her system and she was healthy.

When I was about 3 months pregnant I met up with a friend from my past and he asked me out. I was so excited and after dating for a while I knew I was in love. We got married soon after my daughter was born. I tried to be a good wife and there were times I did well but mostly I used off and on. I forgot to mention my husband is a recovering meth addict and hates the stuff. So we split up several times. I ended up getting my own apartment on section 8 where i didn't have to pay any rent. Soon all my addict friends were living with me and I was so out of control. I thought at the time I was being a good parent because I fed my daughter bathed her and spent all my time with her. But i wasn't bonding with her because I couldn't feel anything. Literally you couldn't make me cry about anything back then. By this time I had gone from snorting to smoking to shooting dope. My mom and dad filed a petition for dependency. Meaning my daughter is too young to speak for herself and they were tying to take custody of her.

I rememeber the night before Court I had been up all night and was planning on going to Court and fighting for my child to come home. But one of my addict friends told me to look around and think if it's really best for her. It was the hardest choice I ever had to make but I let my mom and dad have temporary custody. I got clean 2 months later and reunited with my husband. We had to go through CPS to get my daughter back. We did drug tests for a year. One on one Counseling, Parenting Classes. You name it we did it. It was worth it and I got my daughter back. I got pregnant with my second daughter in 1997 and I had a great job. I was on the right track. I don't remember how it started again but soon I was doing the dope again. Lying to my husband and being secretive. I did this for years getting clean for a while and then falling back.

The Next Chapter: My husband and I had just bought our first home. We both had great jobs two brand new vehicles and a camper. Life was so good until I ran into the old best friend after not seeing her for many years. Soon I started meeting other people who lived close to me that used meth as well. I lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood but it seemed like every where I turned was someone I knew. This time I started smoking meth. I know how bad shooting dope is but nothing has affected me like smoking it. I have always had the best memory and now I don't hardly remember anything. I started sneaking out in the middle of the night. I would say i'm going to the store and not come home for days not even thinking about what my kids were doing. I sold things out of our house. My husband tried to kick me out but I wouldn't leave. 

By that time we had both gotten verbally and physically abusive with each other. He tried everything to get me to stop. I remember when he would tell me he's going to leave me I would feel like my whole world was ending. I loved him and my kids more than anything. And everytime I cried and promised him I would never do it again I really believed myself because I wanted to stop so badly I didn't want to lose my family. Finally after a huge fight where I flipped out in front of my kids throwing tables across the room he took the kids and left me. I just went into my self hate even more. I had non stop people in and out of my house. I soon started cheating on my husband with a guy I felt accepted me for who I was and could put the needle in my arm for me. I was the type of tweaker that didn't like having alot of people come around but it didn't matter I would tell people not to come and they would anyways banging on your door till you answer. 

Some of the people I met back then scare me to death. I was so stupid, trusting and naive I thought everyone was my friend. All the while they were stealing everything in my house and I was so high I didn't even notice. I let a so called friend and his girl friend stay with me after he convinced me that he would help keep some of the people away. Boy was I stupid it only got worse and when I told him and his girlfriend to move out he stuck his gun in my face and said I don't think so. That was the night I started having panic attacks. I locked myself in my room packed as much as I could and the next morning he told me he wanted me to get him a $150 out of the bank. He had intimidated me so much at this point he thought I would do whatever he said. I took my stuff and never went back home. 

My husband saved my butt and went and put his own life in danger and threw them out. We sold our house in Sept 2005 and I got $25,000 back. So I moved me and my little boyfriend into a hotel where we shot up about an eight ball a day. I mostly hid out not wanting people around. But it never worked out that way. Everone was after me and wanted something from me. I was getting threats all over from people wanting to rob me. I had to keep moving and it was so scary. I was a mess with bruises all over my body from shooting drugs. I couldn't trust anyone at all. 

I will never forget how even with all those people around me how lonely it felt. So I blew through this money in about 2 months and then started calling my husband for money so I could have a place to stay. He knew I was with another guy and he would still help me out. Eventually the boyfriend got busted on some warrents and went to prison for a year. I kept using for several months after that. This whole time I would hardly think about my kids much less talk to them. I forgot to mention that when I was living in my house and using I would read my Bible. I felt like such a hypocrite reading it while high but I figured it was when I needed God the most. I begged God to let me see this drug for what it really is. I wanted to comprehend how nasty meth is and what is was doing to my body. 

I prayed for help because I was not in control at all. I was living in the Budget Suites in Dec 2005 and talking to my husband off and on all through this time he was devastated by what I was doing. He would beg me to stop and come back to him and I would just tell him no. Then he got into Counseling and he told me I need to make a decision because he's not going to wait around for ever. My my litle sister got Cancer and I wasn't even there for her when she had surgery. I felt horrible about myself. Also during this week we lost 2 people that were really close friends of ours. It made me realize life is short. I was a victim for a long time because of what had happened in my childhood. I chose to be a victim because it gave me an excuse to use. 

Labels: CrystalClear, CrystalClear™, drug abuse, Effects of Crystal Meth, Meth, meth addiction treatment, Meth addictions, Meth users