Ruined by Meth
Hello people. My name is Wayne and im an ex user from drugs who was on almost everything drug related, but meth was my conclusion to my destruction. Got 2 1/2 yrs of clean time on my belt from meth but it doesnt even feel like a f**king day, an hour, 30 minutes with out gettting some kind of thought from it. I just want peace from it but i know i cant get that because of the physical and mental problems i received from abusing it.
Had my life infront of me and i let it take it away from me so easily, like i wanted it to and had no say over it but did because i had a choice like all of us do, do good or, do bad...Im 26 and feel like im in my middle 30's inside. Im so beat up from all those nights staying awake and wasteing my life away. Rather then going to class to learn how to cook, id rather be in my dorm room in frisco smokeing meth and trying to find a girl to have sex with all night. Just to say that kills me because its ugly and i became ugly, disgusting to probably have people not want to be around me because i see it when i look in the mirror and tell myself i hate you when i wish i didnt because i say that because i want my life back, like that movie the Shawshank Redemption when Morgan says in close to the end, "I just want things to make sense again so i wont have to feel scared all the time" <--- what it exactly says yo! I hate feeling so scared.
Just f**king scared to wake up and except the next day when i was never expecting it to be ok because i wasnt ok, because i was so high and took modivation away, grow to be someone, leave the child and grow to be an adult, successful, just happy and not scared all the time. My shadow people still haunt me at night and i cant believe it..maybe its from the nights and still not being able to get a good nights rest because im so lost in my mind, so many thoughts on my mind from the past of my war on drugs till now, staying clean, fighting for my sobriety, trying to keep a job in these tough times, have friends, REAL friends, have family love me for who i am someday which they cant and i dont blame them.
Drugs dont just hurt me, they hurt them so much, cry just like me at night when i was down fallin and i would call them so jittery, worry them, bring hell to not just me, to them at thier door steps and its something hard to get over for many out their, like mine i see everyday. I look so beat up still, fatigued, weight gain, like im eating my cravings away so much, contantly. Id rather eat then pick up that bubble i'll tell you that much, but the weight needs fixing.
Tryin to get my own place again so i can have my peace from my mom and how i burden her it seems like when i have to live here. She worries and i dont blame her. Get my place when i have money saved and a job on the side to keep it, like i know i can because ive been doing. Just the economy and the way it is kicked me out of Bend, OR, lost my small business with my business partner and had to move because he was upset to have me for a roomate i guess, took it hard, who knows? I alone, had friends their, had a life taking away when i was making one but nothing never works out how you want it to, like you have no controll of the next day, week, month, shit just happens, that famous quote..i just need peace people!
I want to be able to wake up and feel ok. I cant believe what meth and my addictions have done to me and i wish every god dame day i could take it all back because i wouldnt be struggleing so bad, i could get my life back!
For those of you struggleing to stay clean, or still using and want to get off the shit know you are not alone if you feel like you are and know one understands because i do...stop now before its to late for you, save anything you got left in you thats still human because your body is crying inside and whats you to help it.
i will never do it again, the insanity from it i got and everyday is so hard now....do your body a favor and give it a chance, people a chance again, it will be worth it in the long run because we might find that happiness that drugs, specially meth in my opinion cant give us. Thanks for hearing me out you guys and take care.
--Wayne
--Wayne
Labels: herbal meth detox, Meth, meth addiction treatment, Meth Lab, meth rehab
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